Seriously, I would love to feel compersion (see R11 separate post on that here) and, in fact, I have, though never for longer than minutes at a time. I have enjoyed the happy atmosphere B brings into our home, and the way her arms wrap warmly around me when she walks in, overjoyed, from having seen her new boyfriend.

But then a thought emerges: why don’t I make her giggle like that anymore? Why doesn’t she drop everything, like that, for me? All those things that she’s now doing because he’s encouraged her, those are things that I have gently suggested she do too. But she didn’t listen to me, did she? Because I’m not new. I’m not him. I’m just… me.

Me, me, me. Oh dear, does it all come back to me? To the way I feel about myself in our relationship? Hello ego! What caused such terrible, purple bruising? This whole consensual non-monogamy thing is a rabbit hole, I tell you. NRE may well illuminate a person’s life in a good way but, in poly relationships, it also shines a light on all the cracks in their existing relationship(s) as well.

This NRE between B and J is forcing B and I to look and see all the dust that’s gathered around the edges of the ageing entity that we call ‘us’. We are like a treasured bonsai tree that hasn’t been clipped with enough due diligence. In fact, if I’m honest, we’ve probably never been as well tended to as required and it’s pretty amazing we are still growing – testament, I’d say, to the humour, kindness and intellectual bond we’ve always shared. But still. We have both realised, I think, that we have to do some work to do on our relationship, to slash some rotting branches that need cutting, and to trim back some wayward leaves.

First things first, we have finally truly admitted together that this is tricky. Acknowledging in this way that we are in a bit of trouble has been helpful for me, I think, because for a while I felt that I was protesting alone, screaming objections into a cave whilst B stood beside me looking out yonder, in the direction of whoever was her current attraction / love interest. Just now, it feels like she’s hearing me, and consequently I can quieten down. I know she is trying to be more present during the time we have together, and be more vocal about her love for me. On the flip side I am working on my insecurities, to come from a place of abundance (polyamory = many loves), and really hear the loving things she says to me without automatically belittling them with a ‘yes but’.

Needless to say we are both learning a lot, about ourselves, about each other. And there is healing in this too. Yet there’s another thing that’s helping me and that’s a change in perspective. I’ve started to consider NRE as (underneath all the fluffy pink clouds and sexy icing) a kind of hypnotic mirroring.

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