Despite what the self-help section of the bookstore may say, there is no one-size-fits-all journey to self-love. Each of us is unique, with our own set of life circumstances, identities, privileges, tender spots, and strengths. But through my own self-healing and my work supporting thousands of humans learning to identify, honor, and advocate for their needs, I have begun to see some general themes emerge—not so much a roadmap as a human-wide pattern of behaviors and transformations people go through doing this work. It starts (and ends) with self-acceptance.

Many people mistakenly believe self-acceptance means you stop growing, stop working, and stop creating. But self-acceptance simply means you’re willing to coexist with the reality of your life and make peace with yourself as you are—separating your goodness and worthiness from your daily actions. You don’t have to love everything about yourself. You don’t even have to like everything about yourself. Instead, self-acceptance asks you to be with your truth rather than berate yourself for not being better already or escape to a well-conditioned fantasy of who you think you should be.

Once the grounding of self-acceptance is in place (again, be it ever so tenuously), growth starts to happen in four iterative and consecutive stages:

Self-responsibility: Cultivating awareness of who you are, what you stand for, and what you need. At this stage, you are accepting responsibility for your own care, education, and perhaps most importantly your role in unlearning the beliefs, societal messaging, and dominant narratives you have embodied that cause you harm or diminish your sense of self.

Self-care: Much more than scented candles and bubble baths, this stage is about taking action to support yourself as you navigate your daily life. Resist the urge to define your readiness as the absence of fear or discomfort; instead, meet yourself within your discomfort by doing what is doable. Remain by your own side and commit to responding to how you feel and what you need, even if you’re not sure what is “right” or “best” to do.

Self-trust: Trust is built through awareness, action, increased intimacy and closeness with self, dependability, self-kindness, and compassionate self-talk. Returning to these practices again and again fosters the knowledge that you will remain by your own side. Trust can be rebuilt, no matter where you’ve traveled or how long it’s been.

Self-love: This stage refers to the brave, chewy, unconditional love that blooms from sustained self-trust, self-respect and admiration and adoration of self. Self-love is grown through imperfect action, relentless self-support, and self-gratitude.

What does this look like in practice?

Radical responsibility informs your self-care and rebuilds trust. The consistency and the stability of that trust eventually grows into self-love. At some point in showing up for your needs and getting to know yourself, you will feel yourself soften into a place of acceptance and love for yourself. You will learn to appreciate yourself for everything you are, and you will forgive yourself for everything that you are not.

It is important to remember that this love is not for perfect people somewhere out there, people who have their sh*t together more than you do. Rather, it is the love that grows from realizing the only other person in here is you and then appreciating the hell out of yourself for continuing to show up, no matter how many times you’ve been knocked down or cast aside. This is enduring love. It is the ancient love of knowing every nook and cranny of your inner landscape and making peace with its disappointments and idiosyncrasies. It is the love from cultivating a profound friendship with yourself, held tight with boundaries that enable you to thrive, with permission to be exactly who you are, and the brave choice to bring the fullest expression of yourself to every aspect of your life.

You will find you cycle through each of the four stages in both micro and macro ways as you find your way home to yourself. Envision this framework as a supportive structure you will fill in and make your own—or as a roadmap showing you how to cultivate a relationship with yourself so that you feel met, seen, heard, held, and life-changingly supported.

Excerpted from the book Needy: How to Advocate for Your Needs and Claim Your Sovereignty by Mara Glatzel. Copyright © 2023 Mara Glatzel. Reprinted with permission from the author and the publisher, Sounds True.

Needy is available from Amazon and Bookshop.