Recently, sex and intimacy coach Leah Carey posted on Instagram about media coverage of Will Smith and his open marriage with wife Jada Pinkett Smith. Below, Carey elaborates on why open relationship are not “sanctioned affairs” and what mainstream media often gets wrong about ethical non-monogamy.

My partner and I haven’t been having much sex.

It’s not a problem with the relationship, it’s a problem with logistics.

For the past 18 months, he’s been working night shifts out of town, only coming home weekends – and sometimes it’s two or three weeks at a time.

When he’s home, he hunkers down on the couch watching TV, napping, and gathering his spoons before hitting the road once again.

It’s not ideal, but the pandemic forced almost everyone to make adjustments, and I’m doing my best to limit my whining and be grateful that he’s got a good job.

The part of our relationship that has suffered more than any other: our sex life.

Neither of us enjoy cyber-sex, so taking care of our needs is a solo situation when he’s on the road. When he’s home, low-resource activities like cuddling fit his energy level.

For a long time, that suited me fine. Mental and emotional health – not to mention physical survival! – took precedence over every other concern during COVID, and my sexual appetite plummeted.

But a couple months ago, my drive started peeking its nose out from under the covers again.

I started initiating sex more frequently when my partner was home. Sometimes he’d say yes then get distracted, but more often than not he turned me down. I didn’t take it personally … until the moment that I did.

“Are you still attracted to me?” I asked. “If you don’t want to have sex because you’re too tired, it’s totally fine. But if you’re not interested because you don’t want me anymore, I’d rather you tell me so we can figure out what happens next.”

He reassured me that, no, it was his libido failing him, not my desirability.

A New Agreement

He often takes time to process important thoughts, so I was caught completely off-guard when he returned to the conversation a couple days later.

“I’ve been thinking about it. I know I’m not able to fill all your needs right now and I don’t want you to be frustrated,” he said. “If you want to get your touch needs met by others, I’m okay with that.”

We’ve long called ourselves “monogamish” but rarely indulged in extracurricular play. Even when we have, our agreement has been solid: we’re both in the room. Either we play together with a third, or we play with someone else in eyeshot of each other. It’s what works for us.

But suddenly he’s offering me a new option: to fill my cup at other people’s wells, even when he’s not around.

It’s an incredibly generous gesture that comes from a place of deep care and trust. He cares enough about me to know that his resources don’t fully cover my needs right now, and he trusts me to fill those needs in ways that don’t harm our relationship.

In turn, I’ve initiated numerous conversations with him about what boundaries we’re both comfortable with. We’ve agreed that penetration is a hard no for us both – that is something I only want with him. He has said that it’s okay if I’m naked with others, but right now I’m more comfortable keeping underwear on. If that changes, I’ll let him know.

We’ve talked about how much he wants to know and when he wants to know it, the safety protocols I’ll use, and if there are certain people he is or is not okay with.

We were in the midst of these discussions when Will Smith’s GQ interview was released, where he confirmed that his marriage with Jada Pinkett Smith is not completely monogamous.

We are not impulsive or avoidant

Cue the frantic Tweets and news stories!

Here’s the headline that caught my attention: Will Smith reveals details of ‘open marriage’ – but can ‘sanctioned affairs’ ever work?

According to this article, my partner offering me an avenue to get my needs met equals a “sanctioned affairs.” That idea has me rolling my eyes so hard that they’re still stuck somewhere in the back of my head.

The article is filled with words like novelty, impulsivity, and broken rules. It uses scary language to suggest that once a relationship is opened even a little bit, the couple will never be able to fully trust each other again. It leans into the jealousy factor and says that “couples often use it as an avoidance tactic.”

The agreement my partner and I have made is the exact opposite of impulsive or avoidant. It demonstrates a deep recognition on both our parts of what his current capacity is and what my needs are.

Unfortunately, headlines like this are not a surprise – while conversations about gender and sexual orientation have made some strides over the last decade, the same can’t be said for the dialogue around relationship structures. A significant portion of the population still considers monogamy the only ethical choice.

One of the reasons non-monogamy has such a bad reputation is because we only hear about it when it fails.

The way we move the needle on the ethics of consensual non-monogamy is with more people being transparent about the reality of their lives – but that’s hard when it’s still legal for employers to dismiss an employee for having a non-normative relationship structure.

That’s why I appreciate the Smiths for being transparent about their relationship.

We don’t need the gory details. They are entitled to keep private things private. But having Hollywood royalty acknowledge that their marriage has been non-monogamous will be enough to help the first wave of people reconsider their preconceived notions about what “fidelity” looks like.

Is ethical non-monogamy right for you?

Like every other relationship on the planet, non-monogamous relationships can be healthy or toxic depending on the people involved.

Excellent communication skills are a cornerstone of any healthy relationship. The ability to talk through issues, care as much about your partner’s fulfillment as your own, and see someone else’s point of view are skills that will serve you well in an ethically non-monogamous relationship. If these aren’t present in your current relationship, I highly recommend you work on that before opening to other sexual partners.

People who come into non-monogamy without good communication skills or the ability to draw and maintain boundaries are likely to be involved in ongoing drama and crisis.

When I work with clients who are considering opening their relationship, they often want a foolproof test to know if it’s the right choice and if they’re ready.

No such yes/no rubric exists. But here are some of the questions we discuss:

What is driving your desire to open the relationship? The answer to this question – not the quick answer at the top of your mind, but the uncomfortable answer that you’re avoiding because it feels too vulnerable to admit – is the one that will give you the most information about whether or not you’re ready.
Do you have trouble staying faithful in a monogamous relationship, no matter how much you love the other person? Just like people who felt suffocated by a heteronormative culture but didn’t know “queer” was an option, some people consistently violate monogamous agreements because they are constitutionally built for non-monogamy.
Are you comfortable communicating about your wants, needs, and desires? Bringing more people into the picture with the hope that one of them will magically know how to touch you so you don’t have to learn to communicate is a doomed proposition from the first moment.
Are you comfortable setting and maintaining boundaries? It is possible to cheat in a non-monogamous relationship by violating agreements and breaking trust, and the hurt feelings are every bit as real as in a monogamous relationship. Knowing yourself well enough to understand what boundaries you can make and keep will be useful as you negotiate new terms with your partner(s). Similarly, what agreements will you not be able to keep, so you shouldn’t make them in the first place?

Ethical non-monogamy is not an affair. When it’s rooted in communication and boundaries, it can be a beautiful way to make sure everyone’s needs are being met and no one is being guilted into activity they don’t want.