Reprinted with permission from 101 Kinky Things Even You Can Do by Kate Sloan.

Some terms you need to know

The word kink can be used in many different contexts. A non-standard sexual desire or proclivity can be called a kink (or, sometimes, a fetish); someone with one or more of these desires can be considered kinky. A person who is not kinky may be referred to as vanilla – and there is nothing wrong with vanilla; it’s a great flavour! A kinky person is often called a kinkster. When kinksters come together to play, learn, teach or just chat, they are forming a kink community (and there is probably one where you live).

Kinksters sometimes refer to their kinky activities as play, as in, ‘I love playing with you!’ or ‘Would you be up for some play later?’ In the kink world, a scene is a session of kinky play involving one or more people, which may or may not involve sexual activity. It’s apt that it’s a term borrowed from theatre and film, because kink – especially forms involving role play – can be quite theatrical and may be more about your emotions and psychology than typical vanilla sex.

A dominant, or dom, is someone who directs the action and/ or takes control during kink. A submissive, or sub, is someone who prefers to take on a more passive role and/or follow orders. A switch is someone who enjoys playing both roles, and may swap between them from scene to scene or even within a single scene. Play involving dominance and submission is sometimes called D/s (the ‘S’ is lowercase, to reflect the submissive’s lower standing in the dynamic) or power exchange. Not every kink scene or relationship requires these roles, but many people enjoy them for the sexual and emotional tension they introduce.

Similarly, a top is someone who gives sensation and/or performs the principal action(s) of a scene (such as flogging, hair-pulling, tying someone up in rope bondage), while a bottom is someone who receives sensation and/or has actions performed on them by a top. Tops are often doms and bottoms are often subs, but it is fully possible to be a dominant bottom (for instance, the queen lying back and letting her loyal subject pleasure her) or a submissive top (the faithful servant giving her master a pleasurable beating at his request). While some people prefer to top all the time or bottom all the time, these identities are usually more fluid and your role may vary from scene to scene or even from moment to moment.

Consent, in this context, is permission for something sexual or kinky to happen. For someone’s consent to be valid and real, it must be informed (they know what they’re getting into), uncoerced (they do not feel pressurized to consent, by anyone or anything) and revocable (they can change their mind and withdraw their consent at any time, and have that wish respected).

Consent is so important to kinksters (as it should be!) that it even forms the basis of one of the main philosophies of kink: RACK, which stands for risk-aware consensual kink. This tenet holds that all kinky activities are acceptable as long as all participants are 1) fully consenting and 2) fully aware of the risks of what they are doing. Some of the risks kinksters might encounter during their play are physical – such as injury or the transmission of sexually transmitted infections (STIs) – while some are emotional and psychological, such as inadvertently triggering a panic response or a flashback to a past trauma. It is worth knowing and considering all risks of any given activity before you dive into it.

An important aspect of establishing consent for kinksters is a negotiation: a detailed pre-scene discussion of what all the participants do and do not want to happen during the scene. This is your opportunity to bring up your limits – things you absolutely do not want to do, or to happen – as well as your specific desires. You may also want to discuss things like names you like and don’t like to be called, how you want the scene to make you feel, and any medical conditions you have that your partner(s) should know about before playing with you.

Part of how kinksters ensure ongoing consent in a scene is by using what’s called a safeword: a word you and your partner(s) choose together which, when spoken by anyone involved, will call an immediate end to the scene. Many kinksters prefer to use a safeword than to rely on words such as ‘no’ or ‘stop’, because they may want to use those words as part of their scene, especially if they’re role playing a rough or ‘non-consensual’ scenario. A good safeword is something memorable, unmistakeable when spoken and unlikely to be said in-scene for any other reason, such as ‘pineapple’ or ‘cinnamon’. Some kinksters also use a ‘stoplight’ system of safewords, where green means ‘I’m fine, keep going,’ yellow means ‘I need to slow down, pause and/or check in,’ and red means ‘I need the scene to stop immediately.’

Some kinksters also like to establish non-verbal safewords, called safe-signals, in case someone is in distress but can’t speak, such as if they have a ballgag in their mouth. Common safe-signals include dropping a held object such as keys or a ball, shaking the head rapidly back and forth, and tapping your hand twice on a partner’s arm.

Subspace is a physiological and psychological state some submissives and bottoms may enter over the course of a scene, owing to the intensity involved and the endorphins released. It is an altered state, somewhat like being drunk, high or in a trance, and can manifest differently in different people. It may involve a feeling of ‘floatiness’, mild dissociation, slowed-down cognition, difficulty communicating and other effects. Doms and tops can experience a similar state, called dom-space or topspace, which resembles the psychological phenomenon known as ‘flow state’ and can have effects such as an out-of- body sensation, increased sensitivity and hyperfocus. Aftercare is the time kinksters spend easing out of these headspaces and back into ‘normal life’ after a scene.

101 Kinky Things Even You Can Do is available from Amazon or Bookshop.