I wish I could title this “How I Overcame Painful Sex.” I almost went with “How I Overcame Painful Sex but then Felt Pain Again So Maybe I Didn’t Overcome It, Although Last Week Wasn’t Too Bad…” But I think that just broke grammar.

I have a condition called vulvodynia. It’s a term used to describe chronic pain around the opening of your vagina. Vulvodynia presents itself differently in vulva-owners. For me, I feel pleasure clitorally, but penetration feels like getting stabbed on top of a sunburn… that I somehow managed to get inside of my vagina. (I’ll workshop a better metaphor.)

After a decade of not dating or being intimate with others, I decided to take ownership of my sexuality and not let my pain shut myself off, which became the basis for my solo show Tight: A Night of Painfully Sexy Stories.

I needed to feel empowered. And I originally had this vision of what empowered looked like — me rejoicing after having pleasurable penetrative sex.

But I have yet to achieve it.

And I’m not the only one who has this issue.

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I think there needs to be significant societal and economic shifts for this to happen. Easy access and cost of proper medical treatment can be insurmountable for people. Racial and gender bias in the medical field is all too common. Add in the harm of antiquated political, religious, and psychological views of sex and gender, and suddenly the idea of overcoming painful sex implies overcoming so much more.

But I think what we can shift is our perspective. I came to learn that making the choice to prioritize sexual pleasure is what’s empowering — not the actual pleasure itself. You’re reinforcing that you matter no matter how functional your body is at any given moment.

Healing isn’t linear. I face setbacks where I revert into my old ways of shutting myself off. But setbacks don’t erase previous triumphs. They allow you to gain a deeper understanding of yourself.

Pain is a solitary experience. When the pain involves a body part that has literally been named “Private,” it’s even more isolating. But after telling my story alone on stage, I’ve never felt less alone off it. Whether everyone knows or no one knows that you have pain with sex, trust that you do share an intimate connection with so many people.

Because in the end, pain is what makes us all human. And it’s what makes pleasure – however you define it – all the more powerful.

Becky’s solo show Tight: A Night of Painfully Sexy Stories will be going up this Saturday, February 25^th at 9:30 pm in Los Angeles.