Partnered play

“I am having the best sex of my life!”

Is that true for you? It can be. We all deserve to have passionate, connected, deeply satisfying sex.

People sometimes get so caught up in the doldrums of life that sex gets relegated to an afterthought. Couples can find themselves in a rut, feeling as if things have gotten stale. Perhaps one or both partners have a demanding job, leading to limited bandwidth by the time they are reunited. Often things are super steamy in the beginning of the relationship, then the partners become habituated and sex becomes more routine. Suddenly you can’t find the time. If you have kids around the house, you might struggle to turn off the parent brain, making it tough to shift into their sexy-brain.

There are a wide variety of completely reasonable circumstances that could complicate your turn-on process. (Spoiler alert: Most of them have nothing to do with your partner)! Let’s delve into how CBD can function as a tool to reduce the impact of the roadblocks. The most common obstacles to great sex are pain (physical or emotional), worry, struggles with body confidence, feeling disconnected from your body, struggles around identifying and expressing your needs (or responding to the needs of your partner), and shame inculcated by cultural or religious upbringing.

Since cannabis is a fantastic tool for the intentional disruption of limiting beliefs, let’s use it to disrupt any stigmas you might have about sex as well. Introducing CBD and other cannabinoids into the equation, depending on how they’re consumed, can help diminish the impact of impediments to your arousal or sex life. Cannabis can decrease nervousness, promote desire, and aid in relaxation and lubrication of the vagina. It can also help calm the anxiety that some penis owners feel around erections and performance. Plus, it feels really good!

CBD and Getting Things Started: Redefining Foreplay

Many people consider foreplay to be the sex acts that help them warm up for the “main event.” Kissing, massage, even oral sex are often relegated to the foreplay category and are thought of as a means to an end rather than the end goal itself. What if foreplay referred to the factors and circumstances that you intentionally put into place, before play, to maximize pleasure and enjoyment for all participants? Acquiring and consuming CBD products can be a key part of foreplay in this paradigm. Together you can shop for the products that will accomplish the objectives you’re trying to attain, you can try them separately and report back to one another which ones worked best for you, and you can consume them together in anticipation of sexy fun times.

As sexuality experts around the world remind us over and over again, context matters. In order to create a context conducive to pleasure, connection, and intimacy, it helps to plan ahead. Life happens and it’s messy as hell. A bit of thoughtfulness and proactivity can go a long way to smoothing out the experience so it’s better for everyone.

Co-creating Your Sensual Playground

Humans are highly adaptable. One of the perks of being an autonomous human is that you get to create a life that truly reflects you and who you want to be. Think about the room where you most often have sex. What does it look like? Is laundry or clutter on the floor? Stark white walls? If you could wave a magic wand and magically transform that room into an opulent, hedonistic love den, what would it look like? This is an exercise in learning how to seduce yourself. Once you have that dialed in, you can share this with your partner and see where your sex den desires overlap and where they diverge. Then you get to negotiate!

Each partner gets to make requests and have preferences for how you co-create your sexy sanctuary. Maybe you’re all about the red rose petals but your partner hates the smell of roses. Not ideal! Swap out some silk rose petals instead or choose flower petals that smell delicious to both of you. If they’re not into incense and essential oils, let them decide how they want the room to smell.

A Case for Scheduling Sex

One of the greatest sex myths is that the best sex is spontaneous. It’s a romantic notion. You’re so overcome with passion that your clothes literally fall off your body as you tumble into bed while the music swells in the background. Afterward you collapse in a breathless heap. No planning, no conversation. Maybe you’ve even had sex like that in the past, where everything lined up and it was flawlessly executed and came together exactly the way you both wanted.

That kind of flow is more of the exception than the rule. When you’re incorporating hemp-CBD or CBD-rich cannabis products into your sexy times, it’s especially important to plan ahead. Think about the method of consumption you’re choosing, whether or not it causes intoxicating effects, and if it does, how much time will it take for you to get back to baseline. For instance, if you have 10 minutes on the calendar for a pre-work quickie, using an edible is probably not the right choice for you because they take up to 2 hours to kick in and then last for 6 to 8 hours.

Maybe you’re thinking, But what if I schedule sexy time and I’m not in the mood once that time comes? No worries! This is an opportunity, not an obligation. There are plenty of ways to share intimacy that are nonsexual, like hand or foot rubs, making food together, drawing and taking a sacred bath, stroking your partner’s hair, massaging their scalp, going for hikes, gazing into each other’s eyes, or even just listening to a podcast or audiobook together and pausing periodically to discuss what you’ve heard.

Is It Awkward, or Is It Just Me?

Do you know what your needs and wants are? If you don’t know, your partner can’t know. So it is helpful to identify your needs to yourself before attempting to communicate your needs to another person. Make a list of your favorite fantasies. If you like erotic stories, take note of any common themes or scenarios. If you enjoy watching porn, notice what it is about various scenes that appeals to you. If you’re worried about other people finding the list, keep it in a private notebook or password-protected document so that you can refer back to it.

Maybe you just figured out that you have a super taboo fantasy and you’re dying to try it with your partner, but you’re not sure how they’ll react. What if they’re not into it? What if they think you’re weird? Don’t worry! Four little words (and perhaps a bit of CBD tincture for nerves) will make everything much easier. Reid Mihalko is a sex and relationship educator and self-proclaimed “sex geek.” He is known for many things, but of all the sex strategies he has popularized, one of the most powerful are just four little words: “I have an idea!” Part of his work is encouraging his clients and students to “embrace the awkward” and stop letting fear of judgment or emotional discomfort keep them from asking for what they want. He’s especially talented at figuring out interesting openings for conversation and connection.

The book you’re reading right now is actually a great conversation starter. You can blame (credit?) it for your newfound willingness to discuss challenging things. It might sound something like, “So I picked up a book the other day and it had some pretty neat ideas for making our sex life even better. I started thinking about it and . . . I have an idea!” The natural reaction is for your partner to say, “What’s your idea?” and now you have your opening. Take a deep breath, feel the nervous flutter in your stomach, and say the thing anyway. Then pause. Take another breath. Notice that the sky didn’t fall and your partner didn’t immediately run away screaming. If they do immediately judge you or react poorly, you may want to ask questions about the relationship itself and not just your sex life.

Now you’ve created space for more genuine discussions about what gets you going, and you get to find the mutual wins! Score!

From The CBD Solution: Sex by Merry Jane with Ashley Manta, CannaSexual (Chronicle Books, 2020). Available from Amazon and Bookshop.