One of the most common complaints among women is loss of interest in sex. This complaint is universal, regardless of age or hormonal status. Married women, single women, newlyweds, new moms, premenopausal and postmenopausal women—all come to me on a regular basis when they no longer feel sexual desire. The fact that we are preprogrammed to say “no” to sex is one of the underlying causes of this, but it is not the only one. Since an orgasmic life requires us to be sexually alive and awake, it’s important to understand some of the other reasons women lose their desire for sex. This chapter will also address ways to revive your interest in this vital part of life that can nourish you on so many levels.

Desire and Your Hormones

One issue that needs to be addressed up front is how women’s hormones and cycles play into our desire and libido. From a purely biological perspective, a woman’s level of estrogen has a powerful influence on her desire for sex. We know that our estrogen level peaks right before ovulation and begins dropping after ovulation until we start to menstruate, and then the cycle starts over again. Some women experience an increase in desire right around the middle of their cycle, which is Mother Nature’s way of encouraging us to procreate. However, this is definitely not a universal experience. Plenty of women do not notice changes in their level of desire during the various stages of their menstrual cycle.

Hormones can definitely play havoc with your body, including your sexual desire, especially anytime they fluctuate greatly, such as during pregnancy, perimenopause, and menopause. The use of hormonal birth control, especially progesterone, can also cause significant fluctuations in your hormones and therefore in your sexual desire. I have worked with several women whose libido came back after going off the pill. I have also worked with women who experienced no impact on their libido from birth control pills. In the same vein, I have seen women whose sex drive increased during pregnancy and those whose libido dropped. The same is true of women going through menopause: some become more interested in sex, others lose interest altogether. Some women get a libido boost from supplemental estrogen or testosterone while others are not impacted at all. I do suggest that you have your hormones checked if you are experiencing low libido for more than six months, as hormone adjustments and supplements could be beneficial for you.

My point here is that women’s desire and our libido is multifaceted and complex. The pharmaceutical industry has invested billions of dollars in research and development to try to find the female version of Viagra but so far has come up short. The FDA approved the pill “Addy” in 2015, but it only works in 50 percent of women, has to be taken on a daily basis, messes with your brain chemistry, and has significant side effects. Most experts are very doubtful that there will ever be a “magic pill” that women can take to increase their desire because female sexual arousal and desire are so different than that of our male counterparts. A pill simply cannot ameliorate all of the many complex factors that impact women’s desire.

Desire and Your Internal Landscape

When we talk about women’s libido, we need to look at both the internal and external landscapes. “Internal landscape” refers to your emotional state of being, since your emotions have a huge impact on your sexual desire. Whenever a woman comes to me complaining about low desire, one of the first questions that I ask is what’s going on in her relationship, if she has one. Very frequently, decreased desire is directly related to underlying issues in a relationship such as anger, resentment, and mistrust. Sexual problems in a relationship are often the symptom, not the real problem. It makes total sense since sex for women is much more about the emotional connection than the actual physical act. Naturally, when we are feeling emotionally disconnected from our partner because we have built up anger or resentment, we have no desire to have sex.

This feeling and loss of desire can last for an extended period of time, even decades, as was the case in my marriage. If relationship issues are one of the root causes, it’s unlikely your desire and sex life will improve until those relationship issues are addressed and you feel more emotionally connected with your partner. If there’s been a breach of trust in the relationship, especially if one of the partners has been cheating, repairing the trust can take a long time. In my work with couples, we generally spend a significant amount of time repairing and strengthening the relationship and recreating emotional intimacy before working on the issue of sex. Often the desire to have sex comes back quickly after the emotional connection has been reestablished.

Even if the relationship is solid, unexpressed emotions can prevent you from feeling sufficiently connected with your partner to want to have sex. Something as small as being angry that your partner didn’t take out the garbage or as big as a tragic loss can create blocks to intimacy. The more skilled you become at expressing your feelings, the less likely you are to shut down sexually when you feel anger or resentment. Remember that there is a direct energetic connection between your emotional heart and your sexuality. For them both to operate at an optimal level, they both need to be open and cleared of any blocks.

SkyDancing Tantra teaches us how to clear the emotional body before making love or having another type of physical connection. We become intentional about the experience we want by creating Sacred Space.

Reprinted with permission from Living an Orgasmic Life: Heal Yourself and Awaken Your Pleasure by Xanet Pailet (Mango Publishing). Available from Amazon and Bookshop.