HOW MANY ROUNDS IS TOO MANY?

The intake call was only with Sonya, not with Peter too. She was recounting the fight they had had two days prior that ended in her brandishing a knife at him and ultimately kicking in a door. Which had led Peter to say, “We either talk to someone or we’re done.”

And then there was that time when Peter tried to leave while they were fighting and Sonya threw herself on top of his car and wouldn’t let go. Screaming so loud that the neighbors called the cops.

And then there was that time during a fight when he had told her he was done, he couldn’t handle this anymore, and her response was to lock herself in the bedroom with a knife and threaten suicide.

And then there was that time, and then there was that time, and then . . .

There were so many concerns in their relationship, but in my professional opinion, one of the most glaring was how extreme their behavior became when their attachment styles were activated, especially hers, and how the relationship had become essentially unsafe for both of them. Sonya was incredibly anxiously attached and Peter was incredibly avoidant. The two opposite sides of the spectrum.

What does that mean exactly? Well, whenever there was conflict—which there often was—Peter wanted to run, and he said as much, both verbally and nonverbally. His desire to run then made Sonya fly off the handle in an emotional, anxious panic. For this reason, in the beginning they were almost completely incapable of having any hard conversation without it turning into World War III.

We worked for months on communication skills, empathy building, and each owning their part and getting in touch with the intense emotional activations that were happening in the midst of the upset. They separated and came back together three times within the eighteen months we worked together. It was a relationship that made even me, the therapist, think multiple times (and even verbalize a couple of times), “Why are you two together? Are you sure this is the relationship you want?” It was exasperating, to say the least. But they kept showing up, committed to learning and growing as much as they could. There seemed to be a deep understanding that even if therapy didn’t save their relationship, this type of behavior would haunt them in the next one, and the next one after that, and so it needed to be sorted out now.

The way their activated attachment styles manifested in their behavior was extreme, but it perfectly illustrates one of the key points to take away from this chapter even if Sonya and Peter’s relationship doesn’t totally remind you of your own current or past relationship: Avoidants activate the anxious, who activate avoidants. These two attachment styles love each other. It’s an example of two very different personality types being unconsciously drawn to each other because of what they say they hate the most—their emotional responses.

The psychologists John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth identified four attachment styles in their original research. The basic gist of attachment theory is that we develop our attachment styles in childhood based on our caregiver’s responses to our emotional needs for connection and safety. The research is actually still growing. More recent research discusses attachment styles as more of a spectrum than a fixed set of four, and it has shown that your style can change based on the type of relationship and person you are relating to. The research has also expanded to take some of the blame off of our parents. They may set the stage, but our attachment styles are formed through many relational experiences (and are continually developing throughout our lives).

Attachment theory is nuanced, like humans are. But at the basic level there is a spectrum that runs from “fearful avoidant” to “avoidant” to “anxious,” with “secure” landing somewhere in the middle of those three. Although it is a spectrum of four styles, common parlance refers to only three: anxious, avoidant, and secure.

The anxious person struggles with the relationship taking over their life and typically becomes overly fixated on the other person—what they are doing, what their body language is communicating, what they might be thinking, etc. This person may struggle with boundaries and wonder constantly if their partner still wants them. They need constant validation and reassurance from their partner, and their feelings of self-worth are tied to the relationship.

The avoidant struggles with intimacy and expressing feelings, thoughts, and emotions. They are often accused of being distant and closed off. They flood or get overwhelmed by feelings easily. The closer someone gets and the needier they seem to become, the more an avoidant withdraws.

Those who are securely attached appreciate their own self-worth and ability to be themselves in intimate relationships. They openly seek support and comfort from their partner. They are similarly happy when their partner relies on them for emotional support. They are able to maintain emotional balance and seek healthy ways to manage conflict in their relationships.

Some of the research also tells us that people are “only as needy as their unmet needs,” as Amir Levine and Rachel Heller put it in their book Attached. What they mean is that when our emotional needs are being met, we can all function from a more securely attached place. This is sometimes referred to as the “dependency paradox.” It is important that we understand that as humans we are dependent on other people to an extent. It’s about a certain level of self-understanding (isn’t it all?) and an ability to communicate a need without spiraling uncontrollably into the unhealthy behavior patterns of clinging or pushing away. And when it comes to romantic relationships, it’s about finding and fostering a connection with an equally self-aware partner who shows a commitment to understanding you as much as themselves and a desire to continue to learn and grow together.

Reprinted with permission from It’s Not Me, It’s You: Break the Blame Cycle. Relationship Better by John Kim and Vanessa Bennett (HarperOne).

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