My entry into polyamory and ethical nonmonogamy was rough. I struggled. A lot. I didn’t understand why everyone seemed to be “better” at this than I was. And so, I began talking. First, my words were just cries for help. I would post in online polyamory groups asking for advice on how to navigate all the challenging emotions I was experiencing while trying to shift from a lifetime of monogamy to ethical nonmonogamy. I wanted to know if there was anyone out there who could help me figure out how to do this. Then, my words became confessions. I started to share my experiences. I would post my reflections and my process through my difficult emotions in practicing nonmonogamy on my personal Facebook page and in various online polyamory groups. I talked about my discomforts, my jealousies, my mistakes and my experiences of fumbling through learning how to live and love this way. I shared my struggles in learning how to release my control and my desire to limit my partners, and the lessons I learned about myself along the way. My thought was, “If I can help just one person not have to go through what I’m going through, help them feel less alone, it’s worth it.” Here are some of the lessons I have learned.

Day 1: Polyamory is an individual journey

I used to love a song by Sara Groves called “This Journey Is My Own,” and indeed, this has been my experience of nonmonogamy. Though I started along this journey with a partner, I had a very different experience from them. I had my own unique struggles and challenges and learned what mattered most to me about relationships.

Even if you enter nonmonogamy as a couple, you will have a different experience from your partner and will likely discover that you each want different things from it. Even if you date the same person together, you will each have a unique experience with that person. If you enter nonmonogamy as a single person, you will have to get deeply in touch with yourself to be clear on what you genuinely want from relationships. Your path may run parallel to the paths of your partners, but it will be separate. This is a journey of immense self-discovery.

For couples entering polyamory, this may be the first time that they “separate” and see themselves as two individuals with different desires, perspectives and relationship values

who happen to be in a relationship with one another, rather than as joined together or as “one flesh.” This can be scary but also liberating.

The most important relationship we will ever have in life is the one we have with ourselves.

How has polyamory been an individual journey for you? What have you personally discovered about yourself as it relates to nonmonogamy?

Day 2: Relationship structures are meant to serve the people in them. When the needs of the people change, the likelihood of success is greater when they seek to change the structure, not the people.

Think of a relationship like a house and the people in that relationship as the inhabitants of the house. When these people initially moved into the house, it fit whatever needs they had at the time. As life progressed, their needs may have changed. Maybe the house was no longer big enough for them, or perhaps it began to feel too big. Maybe the people in the house realized they couldn’t live together all the time, or even at all. When such a scenario happens, you are likely to have a happier outcome by finding a new home that suits the needs of everyone living in it than by trying to change the perspectives of the people who live in the house.

Our relationships are like houses that we occupy with our partners. When our needs or our partners’ needs change, we have a much better chance of success if we reimagine the relationship structure instead of trying to change ourselves or our partners to fit a structure that isn’t working for us. Collaborating to find a new structure that works for everyone is far more effective than trying to make yourself or your partners live in a house that no longer serves your needs.

How do the relationship structures you’re in serve your current relationship needs?

Day 3: It’s important that we are collaborating with each of our partners to establish what being committed to one another means to us, and that we understand that what signifies commitment in one relationship may not be the same as what signifies commitment in another.

Exclusivity, marriage, shared home and finances, children—these are some of the things that society holds as markers of committed relationships. When we enter the world of polyamory, we can find ourselves in relationships where all or some or none of these things are a part of our partnerships. As such, it can be hard to arrive at a feeling of security with someone when you struggle to identify things that signify you are committed to one another.

It is important to be in conversation and collaboration with each of your partners on what the unique commitment you have to each other is. It is equally important to understand that commitment won’t necessarily look the same for each relationship. You may have a partner for whom commitment looks like the traditional ideas of shared property and children, and another partner for whom it looks like something totally different. It can be hard to weave in and out of your various commitment spaces and still feel an overall sense of security in your relationships.

Having conversations and partnering on a shared definition of commitment with your partners is crucial for you and for them.

What does commitment mean to you?

Day 4: It is not necessary to completely understand a person’s emotions in order to offer them care and empathy.

I’m not a dog person at all but my best friend loves her dogs immensely. Recently, she had to put down her beloved dog, Yuki, whom she had since she was a puppy. She was devastated. I didn’t understand the love she had for her dog, but I did understand how sad she was about losing her. I was able to be empathetic and caring to her in her grief, even though it wasn’t something I had experienced.

Sometimes, partners express an emotion and try though you might, you can’t understand why they are feeling that way. Maybe they are feeling jealous and you aren’t a particularly jealous person. Maybe they are feeling threatened by your new love and you don’t understand why because you love all of your partners. Maybe they are feeling triggered by a situation that reminds them of a hurtful past experience and you don’t understand that because you haven’t had that experience. While I believe it is important to try to understand our partners’ emotions, showing care and empathy for them is far more valuable and important.

You won’t be able to understand every emotion your loved ones have, but that doesn’t mean you can’t be empathetic toward them. It’s saying, “I don’t understand what you’re going through but I can tell that you are hurting and that matters to me.”

Which do you find to be most important to you when communicating difficult emotions: being empathized with or being understood?

Day 5: If you asked your partner for reassurance, a particular consideration or kind of care in nonmonogamy, don’t reject it when they give it to you by declaring that they are only doing it because you asked them to or so they can be with others.

Not only is this hurtful to our partners, it’s also confusing. You tell your partner, “Here is something you can do to show care for me as you are relating to others,” but when they give you the thing you asked for, you swat it away by accusing them of only doing it to get to be with others or because you asked them to, not because they want to. It makes your partner feel damned if they do or damned if they don’t.

If your partner is showing up and giving you what you are asking for, show gratitude. Thank them for listening to you and responding with the direct support you need. If you find that what you asked for doesn’t work for you, tell them that and try to find other ways they can support you. It’s unfair to penalize them for giving you what you said you wanted. It makes it hard to trust what you say and leads to your partners’ feeling exasperated in their relationship with you.

Do you sometimes find it difficult to accept the care that you asked your partners to give you? If so, why?

A Polyamory Devotional is available from Amazon and Bookshop.